The Flapjack Fiasco

April 25, 2006

Now you get to hear all about the time I made pancakes without Mom. To you this may sound lame, sad, and possibly pathetic. To me it's like winning the Gold in the Olympics. Except smaller and with less impact. I'm trying to tell a story that happened months ago, all from memory. So if I get something wrong or over exaggerate, forgive me. Not that anyone will know the difference, just thought you people might appreciate some honesty.

First I woke up. Then I tried to go to back to sleep. Almost got there too.

I hear a voice. "Hey?" Ah, my lovely friend Caitlin. Who would be an even better friend being quiet.

"Yeah?"

"You awake?"

"Kind of."

"Oh…."

Well, no turning back now. I was awake. And shock and amazement, I was hungry in the morning. On a Sunday no less! Very odd. "Hey Caitlin, you hungry?"

"Kind of, why?"

"Oh good."

I got up. Caitlin, being my best friend since kindergarten (yeah five sounds right) can tell when a bad idea that she should be worried about has struck me. She got concerned when I started to get out the griddle.

"What the heck are you doing?"

"We," I stated proudly, "are going to make pancakes."

My mother was having an aneurysm; she just didn't know it yet.

Unbeknownst to me, Mom apparently didn't totally empty the grease out after some bacon. So I slopped some on the floor. Then, God sent us his blessing and favors. My dogs Folly and Duke came and started licking up the might have been mess. A sign, a sign from the Lord! They've been mops ever since.

Caitlin found the Aunt Jemima stuff and started to open it. Through the top instead of the hidden, tiny hole on the side that at the time was impossible to see, I swear! Trying to pour it into the measuring cup, it made a "POOF" sound and went all over the counter and partially over the floor. And it wasn't my fault! They ought to make the hole on the side easier to see. I tried to lift Folly on top of the counter to lick it up but that didn't end too well.

The box said, "Pour when water sizzles on skillet."

Naturally I took this in the most literal way and threw droplets on the griddle. It sizzled a little, moved to the side in a perfect circle, and evaporated. I thought it was hysterical and did it again and again. You're talking to the girl who giggles at the word pudding. I kid you not.

Then Mom came upstairs and had the aneurysm. "What are you doing?"

"We," said Caitlin proudly, "are making pancakes."

"Ah," Mom trusted Caitlin a lot more because she has actual cooking skills. "All right, just don't do that again with the water dear, you'll ruin the griddle." (Read: You do that and mess up my new griddle, I break your neck. And no amount of motherly love or Marines will stop me.) So she poured her Sunday morning cup of Kona and went away, planning to ignore us so as to spare her poor, poor sanity.

We poured the batter on to the griddle and waited. We were perhaps slightly impatient. "Is it done yet?" I asked.

"Don't know, flip it and find out." I did, and it doubled on itself. This was to happen again, and again, and again. A couple would also be burnt. Once again the dogs were a Godsend. They got every single mistake.

Later on I was looking for maple syrup. I looked in the fridge and remembered the caramel. The back had said you could put in on pancakes. I checked the back to confirm this. "Hey Caitlin?"

"Yeah?" I waved the bottle.

"Want caramel?"

"Um," she looked at it. "Sure, why the heck not."

We put it on the biggest pancake and decided to split it at the end. And you know what it did? It ABSORBED it. We ate a little, but couldn't really taste it. It was pretty nasty. We felt ripped off, and decided to chalk it up as a failure. Except as amusement for Mom.

Name: Minerva, Goddess of geeks. Age: 14 Occupation: Writing food essays, going to school and driving Mom crazy. Hobbies: Collecting quotes, petting dogs, messing up my friend's hair and annoying my Mom. Life so far: Born. Made it through middle school alive. My Favs: Ice cream, my dog, .hack , 3rd period, the Daily Show, british humor. anime, the Discovery Channel and my iPod. My Minions: my dog, Duke, Phil the Wizard Monkey of Oz, Ed Elric and Patsy Stone.

Email questions or comments for these two young women to webmaster@drgourmet.com.